Family Fridays: Monkey See, Monkey Do

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My daughter has always had a knack for eavesdropping and repeating anything and everything she hears. Toddlers are good at eavesdropping. They are quite stealth actually - there they sit, minding their own business, deep in play but all the while listening for any new word or catch phase they can use as their own. You go along with your conversation, taking note that the kids are minding you no attention what-so-ever - so you may drop a few swear words to make your point clear or describe the "idiot" who didn't help you one bit at work. Needless to say, my daughter has been heard saying "did Sebastien shit his diapers again?" or "damn it" while dropping something not just once but several times. These are not phrases I am proud of but they are phrases of life so be it. I don't think they will offend anyone too terribly.

Alas, there is one phrase that has stuck that I am afraid will offend someone and indeed it already has. My husband is always calling the tigers at the zoo "stuffed" as they rarely ever move and seem to be in the same lounging position no matter what season or time of day you go to view them. Maya picked up on this quite quickly and recently came home to say that the stuffed tigers were sleeping...again. Apparently she mentioned this aloud while watching said sleeping tigers and made the boy next to her cry. He apparently knew what "stuffed" meant and didn't seem to find the humor in my husband's animal description.

But there are good things that come from paying attention to the words swirling around you - they pick up on the good ones too. You will hear my daughter say "please" and "thank you" appropriately and willingly which makes my heart burst every time. Having good manners and respecting other people is on the top of my "to teach my children" list and I am happy to say that it is a lot easier than I had anticipated. Monkey see, monkey do.

Family Fridays: Clarifying my Thoughts

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It came to my attention that maybe I wasn't as clear as I needed to be in my response to the lady at SAQ. It is obvious that she struck a nerve in me, on a few different levels, but perhaps I need to clarify a few things.

The staying-at-home vs working is a constant battle for every family and especially women. No matter what we choose to do we will get flack from just about anyone. You stay at home? Yikes, doesn't your mind go to mush? You go to work? Yikes, don't you feel guilty? Well, actually, yes and yes. There is no right solution. There is no right answer. Mothers go back to work after giving birth out of necessity and/or desire. I was one of the lucky few who had a choice and I decided that I was going to be get more satisfaction and be of more use at home than I was going to be working outside the home. Now, was this the right decision? Some days it is and some days it is not.

If I had a job to go to every day where I was passionate about what I was accomplishing, I would feel that the benefit of me being happy and one hundred percent present when I was home would grossly outweigh the benefit of staying home just to stay home. Unfortunately, I did not work in a job that I felt good about. So I believed (and still do) that I would be happiest at home. This doesn't mean I am happy everyday just as those who go to work have their good days and their bad days. There are plenty of days when my kids would probably be more entertained and taken care of at daycare but I like to think that the majority of our days we are thoroughly enjoying our time together. And that is the most important point - when the parents are happy, the family is happy.

The benefit of going to a nice college is that your resume looks good from the start. I learned early on in my short-lived career in the investment banking industry that pedigree is everything. I was one of the lucky ones (there I am again, happily in that bubble) who went to such a college so getting an interview at any firm I wanted was not an issue. I am actually pretty sure that I was hired at Goldman Sachs simply because I went to Smith. I was thereafter introduced to clients and prospects as "the girl who went to Smith." This naturally meant that I was smart and capable and would not screw your accounts up. This is the downside of going to a nice college - in a sense you are pegged by the outside world for life. So when said "girl from Smith" decides to leave the solid resume, the promising future and stay at home with her kids, a lot of critics and judgements step in. I mean, who would trade pantsuits for making cardboard troll homes?  I didn't need to go to Smith to accomplish that did I? Well, yes and no. 

I gained an incredible experience from attending that school and am an educated woman because of it. This will transfer quite nicely to my children. But what I also gained was a sense of deciding what is right and best for me. I knew that the finance world was not the place where I wanted to be (did you read the recent NYTimes article about the executive that left Goldman? So right on.) Coincidentally I got pregnant shortly after making this decision so the natural transition would be to stay at home, raise my kids and figure out what DID make me happy and pursue that. 

It ends up I like to work with my hands (I am the daughter of two artists after all) so I get a lot of satisfaction from building things, making things and cleaning things. I actually enjoy getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing the heck out of my floor - because, look, now there is a nice, clean floor to admire. But that doesn't mean I don't also enjoy a brilliant novel or that I can't argue my way through the latest piece in the New Yorker. There is such a thing as balance.

If there is one thing that Smith taught me, it is that I have the capability to be anything and to do anything if I put the work in. I have the final say in what makes me happy and what doesn't. I have the power to manifest my own destiny. The reason I was so upset over the lady's words was that I felt like she was belittling my choice to stay home and that I didn't understand what would really make me happy. Well, it turns out that we all have different roles to play and different passions. So please excuse me for a few years while I find inspiration and joy from two little munchkins...we'll see where that leads me. 

Family Fridays: Community

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Where did our sense of community go?

I check outside my window before grabbing my mail to make sure my next-door neighbor isn't sitting in her car smoking for fear of getting sucked into a converstaion. How bad is that? I know only a handful of our neighbors (our favorite ones sadly moved to another part of the city) and for some reason, I don't mind it. This is weird considering I loved growing up in a tight-knit community. We lived on an island where everyone knew everyone - you knew the lady at the grocery store, your best friend's mom knew that Sally got her hair cut yesterday (ok, that part was a little annoying) and you always ran in to someone you knew on the ferry or in town. I really liked that sense of belonging to something greater than yourself.

Now I live in the city where, yes, I run into people I know quite frequently, but obviously there isn't a sense of shared community like there was on the island. And I'm not certain that if I moved to the country I'd find that same oneness - times have changed. People seem to be more interested in their own self-interests more than ever. Being a stay at home mom has made this more obvious - it is a lonely profession. You really need to put yourself out there to make new friends and new connections. Just because you are a mom doesn't assure your automatic inclusion into some mom club or what have you. You have to work for those connections lady.

In Judith Warner's Perfect Madness, she touches on how our society has delved inwards and stepped away from the help of community. She went from raising her children in France, where the community took care of new moms to Washington DC, where you took care of yourself. She says, "I put my elder daughter in DC public school and watched the light in her eyes go dim. I did not have a pediatrician available for human contact in an emergency. I felt like all the responsibility for my daughter's care, health, and education resided within our family. Often enough, it seemed to rest on my shoulders alone. I knew what had worked for me in France. It wasn't just that I had access to a slew of government-run or -subsidized support services; it was also that I'd had a whole unofficial network of people to help and support me - materially and emotionally - as I navigated the new world of motherhood."

Ordinary vs Extraordinary

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I woke up today in quite a dreadful mood - not sure why exactly - could be the lack of sleep this past week due to nothing in particular or it could be this nagging sore throat. In any event, hopping outside in the downpour to grab my mail only further exasperated my mood. There is was, a disappointing response to my recent letter to the Smith Quarterly:

"Regarding a letter writer's plea for greater representation of Smithies who have embarked on "new jobs as stay-at-home moms," let me suggest that the Quarterly is the wrong place to look. While becoming a mother is the most truly miraculous thing, it is also the most commonplace. What Smith prepares us for is something else- to make our unique contribution to this world. The Alumnae Quarterly is the place to read about the jaw-dropping, amazing things Smithies are doing to make the world a better place. It's inspiring - if often a bit intimidating (we aren't all destined to swim the English Channel or find the cure for something - myself included). In the lightening flash of twenty years, which is what it will feel like when the letter writer has successfully launched her children into adulthood, she will be glad if her only job was not "stay-at-home mom" - and the readers of the Quarterly will be fascinated to read all about it."

Now, my initial response was quite emotional - I felt like this lady had personally belittled my current full-time position as the CEO of my family. I was sad and my feelings were hurt. Then, I just got mad.

I was unaware that raising children to be respectful and creative citizens of this world was not a "unique contribution." Perhaps, I should have just kept on working at Goldman Sachs, dumped my children in daycare and hoped for the best. Affordable childcare that reflects my values, encourages creativity and boosts my children's confidence as human beings just does not exist where I live (again, I said affordable). I suppose that if I had continued to work, I surely would have relished those oh-so-productive Monday morning meetings or skipped my way home knowing that I helped very wealthy people make even more money. I definitely would not have regretted not watching my children learn to walk and talk and blossom into little people - I mean, how unsatisfying. Plus, raising children has got to be the easiest and most "commonplace" job. She did, however, raise a point that I had overlooked - I was unaware that being a stay-at-home mom lasts for "twenty years" - I guess being home while my kids are young and then going back to work when they head to school is not an option.

My point with my initial letter was to reach out to the Smith community and see what other mothers (it is an all women's college after all) are doing to raise their children. I agree that the Quarterly is inspiring - there are thousands of out-of-this-world successful women who have amazing lives to share - but what about the other women who are helping to raise the future generation? I am sure there are no "unique" upbringings happening - no traveling or living in foreign lands, no living off-the-grid on a homestead, no creative ways of bypassing the "system" and certainly no ideas for creating impressive and different learning environments.  The world is constantly changing - so what are we doing to foster children who can adapt to this change? I figured having gone to such a prestigious college, there would be a handful of extraordinary and progressive stories.

Well. I guess I will just go back to reading Glamour and eating bonbons on my couch.

Family Fridays: Precious Time

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We went over to a good friend's house for dinner earlier this week. It was not like the ol' days let me tell you. Because my son goes to bed at 6PM and our friend's daughter needs to do her homework after dinner, we decided on an early meal. But with four kids underfoot, one husband on the green egg (the grill) and one husband on a buns/pickles/beer run, prepping for dinner is not an easy and swift task. It was a mild storm in the kitchen where onions were diced, patties formed, potatoes fried and a slightly stronger storm in the corridor between the living room and bedrooms where four children were rushing back and forth - singing, dancing, running, screaming with delight. It was a happy scene but a somewhat rushed and ragged scene to say the least. The kids were delighted and the adults were a little less so - too busy worrying about if the toddler was climbing up the table again or if the potatoes were burning. Oh, and what was that? Oh, are you trying to have an actual conversation over all of this? Good luck lady.

As we all sort of crashed at the table to eat, my friend and I looked at each other from across the table and shook our heads - it sure is different these days. Four short years ago we wouldn't have eaten until 8PM with a bevy of drinks to share before and after. Lots of conversation, lots of laughs and little stress. But you know what? This craziness of child-rearing will be over before we know it - or at least this part of it. I can already sense a severe shift - my son, who is 11 months this week, already seems older overnight. He is way more interactive, way more in tune to what's going on around him. It's like the baby in him left his body one night and the toddler in him leapt in.

Time is so precious. We need to enjoy these crazy moment because they will be gone too soon along with first steps, first words, funny story telling and sweet little smiles.

Family Fridays: A Little Piece of Me

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When my first kid was born, I had a surge of creativity that I hadn't had in years and being home with her gave me the opportunity to express that. With two kids now, I am adding more negotiating skills and distraction tricks (along with a laundry list of other, actually, quite useful tools). I feel a little bit fuller now, a little bit more complete, a little bit more whole of a person in some ways.  But I cannot help but feel like a little piece of me is missing, as if I just don't have time for that little something today.

A lot can happen in a few years - these two munchkins did not even exist three years ago! I mean, that really is a short amount of time to add two people into your life. Two little people that are your sole responsibility to love and raise and guide. How can you not lose a bit of yourself in the process?


"The old illusions of what life was supposed to hold, the restless remains, the undefined dreams do not die as they were supposed to. Probably every educated wife has found herself staring at a mountain of dirty diapers and asking herself desperately, "Is this all there is?" And at the same time she is embarrassed by her dissatisfaction; she, of all people, with her intelligence and realistic view of life, should be able to rise about it. But the paradox is that it is she who is least able to. She lives for a better day. Things will be easier when this baby is born, or that one toilet-trained, or the children are all in school; and she will have time to be pretty and intelligent and young again." Nora Johnson, The Captivity of Marriage, 1961

Family Fridays: Perfect Madness - Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety

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Oh My Gawd. This book is so amazing and I am only on page 30. Judith Warner started motherhood in France and then moved back to America when her youngest was 6 months old only to find that motherhood here was frighteningly different. I have wanted to highlight all over this book - but have to sustain since it is from the library - it is just that good. It hits on so many facets of motherhood that I have experienced so far and, like I said, I am only on page 30!

She touches on the anxieties we, as mothers everywhere but I guess much more so in the States, have - and remember, this was published pre-Pinterest where the super-moms have the platform to share their crazy wonderful birthday party themes and DIY projects. Seriously, it is insanely intimidating.

Right off the bat, she talks about a sensitive subject that I think many women would get in a tizzy about one way or the other - "(In America) I found the pressure to breastfeed for at least a year, to endure natural childbirth, and to tolerate the boundary breakdowns of "attachment parenting" - baby-wearing, co-sleeping, long-term breastfeeding and the rest of it - cruelly insensitive to mothers' needs as adult women."

Booties and Babies

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I thought the girl was supposed to be the gentle, nurturing one and the boy was supposed to be the one making fart jokes in the back seat of the car? Did my kids get switched up in the universe somehow? Ok, ok, not fair, the boy doesn't even walk yet not to mention few recognizable words leave his cute little mouth so I cannot be sure that he won't become a dirty icky boy someday. My sweet little girl, on the other hand, it seems is skipping the whole princess-pinkalious-phase (I hope, I pray) and going straight to the raunchy/indifferent teenager phase. (Please note, I have little to no experience in any of this so I could be far more wrong than I hope to believe. I mean, this girl isn't quite three yet so we have many years of princess playing to come...maybe)

This week she thinks it's hilarious to pull down her pants and put her bare ass on you (doesn't matter where...arm, leg, face) and shriek "booty on you, booty on you!" and run away sounding like a jacked up hyena. She will drop her beloved baby (and we have many, so yes, the stereotypical girl play is there after all) on the hard, cold pavement at the drop of a hat if the mood suits her and thinks it's "cool" when Daddy slams on his brakes to avoid hitting an elk in the middle of the road. She is not attached to anything in particular - no special snuggies for bedtime, no special treatment to one baby or stuffed animal over the next, no favorite dress or shoe or hat...so I worry that she is missing her sentimental bone. Maybe it is just her age. Or maybe I should not worry about it at all as it makes it a hell of a lot easier to deal with when you realize that you accidentally forgot her Madeline doll at home as you board a plane for a week's vacation.

In any event, it is time for me to hit the hay. So the worrying will have to wait until tomorrow's booty attack. Bon nuit a tous.

Family Fridays: They Are Just Kids

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I saw a quote on The Glow the other day that really resonated with me:


“There are many things I wish I could do better as a mom. At this moment, I want to gain more patience and understanding that my children are just children. When they get a bit loud, or sneak that piece of candy, I can’t get too upset. I must learn to remember and teach myself that they are still only little creatures."


Isn't this such a lovely reminder to sit back and laugh with your children!? There are times for discipline (I have a post on that coming up) and times for play - and hopefully most of those times are for play because let's face it, life is short and the more laughter and fun you can jam into a lifetime, the better. 

Family Fridays: Beating Technology

While the grandparents were watching our kids, my husband and I snuck out on a date. By ourselves. Did I mention we were without our children? Oh, I did? Ok, it’s just that we rarely get this opportunity so it’s pretty exciting. Anyhoooooo, we went out to dinner at the Pioneer (a great staple in Ketchum, ID) and got all cozy in our seats, drinks in hand, when we both noticed the table next to us. Two kids, probably around 5 or 6 or so, were totally entranced with their video games on their ipods. The parents (looked like two sets) were happily drinking and laughing and telling stories – now before I trash these parents, I will say that it looked rather nice to be fully engaged with your friends while your children tended to themselves – but those kids were totally and completely zonked out on these ipods. I mean, a HUGE piece of chocolate cake goodness was brought to the table for dessert and the kids did not even glance up to check it out. They completely missed out on CHOCOALTE CAKE!!!!! That’s when the red lights started going off in my head.

Family Fridays: Learning to Play

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I love when you overhear fellow parents telling their kids how to play. At the park yesterday, there was a Dad telling his daughter “not to swing like that” and “you don’t play under the bridge, you run across it” Really? Are you serious?

It’s funny how as adults we tend to see things more as black and white – you swing on your butt, going forward; you climb the ladder with your feet not your knees; that stick looks nothing like an ice cream cone; and plastic bins are for storing stuff in not for pushing around your animals, golf balls and stale bread. (Don’t ask) Kid’s imaginations are so vast and magical – they see incredible worlds that our brains have been programmed not to notice anymore.

Family Fridays: Feeling the Love

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I cannot believe I have not one but TWO children. Who does that? Who in their right mind not only lets but enables her body to stretch out beyond what she thought was possible, endure countless backaches and hip pain and then chooses to push that child out from her said body without any pain killers or freaky suction tools? TWICE?!? Sometimes I look around our home, while my two children are busy tearing it apart in their creative little ways and I think, now that is some crazy shit. I cannot believe I did that. And here they are, in all their glory, running or scooting around this home and I honestly do not know what I did with myself beforehand. How did I exist without their shrieks and tugging and crying and laughter and hugging?

Family Fridays: Snuggle Time

From lenscratch.blogspot.com

I have to admit that snuggling with your children tops snuggling with anyone else in the whole world. Yep, they surpass your husband, partner, lover or what-have-you. A child is the perfect little size to scoop up in your arms or drape over your belly. Their noggins fit right in the crux of your armpit with enough room to hug them with your arms and not have your hands fall asleep. My favorite is when they rest their face just below your neck and stare off into a trance. You get to smell their yummy hair and kiss their forehead. Sometimes if you are lucky, your infant will grab for your finger and hold it in his little hand. They have the softest skin known to man – softer than the most expensive leather. Sometimes they will fall asleep unexpectedly which makes you want to hop up and fist pump your hand while prancing around the couch in a celebratory dance – but you don’t, this is just too precious. So you just slouch down a little, trying not to breath in fear of waking up the sleeping beauty, and you watch. Or you snore off into slumber land yourself after a few seconds. 

Family Friday: Disaster Mode

As soon as you become a parent, you start to see all sorts of hellish situations lurking around every corner. I’m not even talking about the normal, oh my baby has a fever is it serious? Oh, my baby has a rash that will not go away, is it going to scar him? Oh, my baby ate plastic, will it rip out his intestines? No, I am talking about the crazy way-out-there I-will-save-my-kids-if-aliens-come-to-get-us stuff.

For example, we live in a city where one of the main highways is a viaduct – it is a two story bridge basically that runs above the waterfront – not unlike the two story bridge that collapsed during that crazy earthquake in San Francisco so many years ago. I have driven this road a gazillion times but not until I had my daughter in the backseat did I start to devise a plan as to how I would escape death in the event this road would fall hundreds of feet down to the ground. I logically concluded that I would somehow hoist my baby – whom could not grasp onto me yet – around my neck and shimmy down the large cement pilings that held the bridge up. I went over the scenario almost every time I drove across this highway – it made perfect sense to me at the time. As my baby grew older, I was reassured that now she would be able to ride piggyback style – I would be able to use both my hands to scale down the pilings. 

Family Fridays: Doing it All

(I haven't had any time to write this week so this is a draft post I wrote a few weeks ago...)

Despite following a pretty grand weekend, by Tuesday I was completely exhausted, bored and frustrated. I was on the verge of tears as I tried my hardest to COMPLETE something - simple little somethings like unload the dishwasher or put away the laundry. But alas, my itty bitty monkey was not having any of it. He wanted my attention and he wanted it now. Of course, he was perfectly content playing on the floor on his own until I started a task or two - then the whining and manic crawling in my direction ensued. I would appease him for a little while and then try to get back to what I was doing. Nope. Not having it.

So I asked him, I said: Sebastien, how am I supposed to keep the house in order, cook us food and chill out if you keep needing me? He didn't seem to have an answer to that one. He can be quite deflective at times. Oh, ok then.

Family Fridays: The Short End of the Stick

This picture is actually Maya way back when...but you get the idea

You instantly feel bad for the second kid. Even before he pops out, you are already complaining: I’m too big too soon, my joints hurt, why is this kid late, get out of me you weasel! But then he joins you in this world and you look at that squishy red face and think, ahhh, he’s beautiful, he’s perfect…

Family Fridays: Pooh-Mania

This week has been grey and rainy. Typical PNW week this time of year, so I shouldn’t be surprised. And I’m not. Just disappointed it is here I guess. We have had such a beautiful Fall so far so I was deluded into thinking maybe the nasty raining season would sit back this year and let the magical snowy season take its place. No dice. That’s fine – just means you have to be a little more creative in entertaining your kids. I like to go outside rain or shine but now with itty bitty Sebastien, I need to be a bit more selective. We HAVE gone out in the rain and dressed him in his rainsuit, but he wasn’t exactly thrilled. He didn’t complain too much so a few times a week should be good enough. Once he is walking around (another six months?) we can head out in any weather every day. So, needless to say, we stayed inside a lot this week.

Family Friday: Things that Make Me Happy

This sort of relates to family but mostly it is about me. I was inspired by this post to sit down and write what makes me happy. 

A few months ago, after a particularly rough day with the kids, I escaped to one of my favorite spots in my neighborhood for a solo take-out dinner: the marina. I love sitting on a dock and watching the boats go in and out, listening to the waves and smelling the salty sea water air. It dawned on me that I do not take advantage of this water enough. I am surrounded by it - we live a few miles from a beach (on the Sound), a mile from a canal, another few miles to two lakes...you get the idea.  I don't use it in my everyday life and I NEED to. I was born on one island and grew up on another so water is sort of an essential in my life but yet I don't actually physically use it in any way. So as I was sitting on this dock, watching the sun set no less, I promised myself to start taking advantage. Maybe throw on a wetsuit and swim every week, maybe take sailing lessons, maybe just get a dingy to motor around in.

Family Fridays: The Story of Stuff

Hi. This is something that has been swirling around in my head for some time now: stuff. You have stuff, you don’t have stuff, you want stuff – but what I’m really interested in is how much stuff is too much? 

I recently transcribed an oral history interview I did with my grandfather in 1997. The part that interested me most was when he spoke about growing up post-Depression: they lived on a farm with very little luxuries aside from running water (which WAS a luxury given the house they lived in before did not have it) and their meals more or less consisted of the same ingredients harvested from their land. In the Fall, they bought 2 pairs of cords, one pair of shoes, a few shirts and sweaters and one jacket. This was to last them the entire year. It got me thinking…do we really need a rack full of coats and a dresser chock full of clothes or can we get by with a little less?

Family Fridays: The Family Bed

Ok. I get it. It’s more fun to sleep with another person in your bed – it’s warm, it’s not scary and it’s comforting. But, sweetie, you have to sleep in your own bed. What? Why do Daddy and I get to sleep in the same bed? Um…

How do you answer that one? Gotcha.